Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
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hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
there has never been a better use of this meme
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Ironic