*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
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5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Woke up against my better judgement again
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.