HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.