Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
You Might Also Like
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.