Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
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I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Put a ring on it
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.