people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
ugh not again
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Best mom ever 😂
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.