[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
do horses think humans are hats
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law