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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
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dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?