my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
new career option?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.