For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.