Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
secret recipe
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women