in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
me when the borders lift
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I cannot call her anything else now
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course