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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.