If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
had to make it
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!