The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
going to the ER y’all need anything
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
You are not alone 💚
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Breaking news:
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now