To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*