*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I am all good here, 😂😉
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I need this for my side hustle.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.