My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
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The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Morning my dudes.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
i made a craigslist ad !
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up