thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.