A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting