Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
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Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
This is enough internet for the day.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
He’s dead
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”