Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
You Might Also Like
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
is this a threat
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
So sick of all these stupid rules
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.