Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope