My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Harsh but fair
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
This line from Airplane.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I love snow
– People who never shovel
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what