I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
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I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.