@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
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(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
2 years later
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry