me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Well, this certainly took a turn
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders