Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
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I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I hate when that happens.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
so weird how every mom was born today
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.