me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
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The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.