It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
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5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Love it! 👍😂