Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
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If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig