I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
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3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all