“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
FINE, I WON’T.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy