I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
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With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Why soy sad?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]