It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
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Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Why is no one talking about this?!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*