I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
If only.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.