“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.