[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*