Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
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me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
This is a true ally.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?