My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Stonehinge
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.