Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
✌️
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.