i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.