When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
HELP 😭
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle