I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
You Might Also Like
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.