Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
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my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.