Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Just this preview of the story is enough
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration