My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
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Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.