Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
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So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
this is me
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?