If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
You Might Also Like
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.