Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
this chia pet tastes awful
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
how was your vacation
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
What?!?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
The game has officially changed 😎
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.